Comic-Con: A Love Story

Dear Comic-Con,

I wish I could get over you, but every year it gets harder. You have all the things I love and almost all of the people I love. And this year, you tossed in a Firefly reunion panel and an exclusive Joss action figure. Why must you taunt me?! I'm a smart and adorable lady nerd, there is no reason the world shouldn't have given me Comic-Con tickets by now. I will even agree to an arranged marriage if that's what it takes. I have my own Muppet and lightsaber, and I can list all the Buffy episodes. What nerd wouldn't want to take me to San Diego with him?

I have tried to distract myself from you with intensity this weekend. Here is an incomplete list of failed tactics:

            I ate an insane amount of carbs in order to induce a food coma.

            I cleaned out my closet in a feverish rage.

            I did a lot of homework that isn’t due for a while.

            I ignored social media.

I glued myself to social media, trying to convince myself that Seth     Green’s Instagram feed was almost as good as being there!

I get it. I’ve made mistakes, we both have. I have trouble with superheroes and you, after all, let Twilight fans in. (And look how well that turned out for you – one of them died and got you all sorts of negative publicity.) I love you so much, SDCC. (Can I call you by your nickname now? I think we’re that close.) Please, please let me in someday.

Best wishes,

S.

Retro Reviews: Maniac (1980)

I think I’ll take a stab at the Final Girl Film Club with Maniac.  This is a film I didn’t see until last year, though I am not sorry I waited.  It’s gritty, gory, and gross.  It feels so much longer than its 87 minutes, and I think it’s that slowness that makes is so powerful.  Um, spoilers ahead.  

Maniac is the story of schlubby, sweaty landlord Frank Zito, who happens to murder women in his spare time.  Actually, since most of what we see him do is stalk and murder, he is a murderer of women and a landlord in his spare time.  You see, Frank was abused and ultimately abandoned, due to her death, by his prostitute mother.  It would be neat to say that this movie is simply a bloodier Psycho, what with the monstrous mother and the lady killing and all.

The big difference is, Frank is presented to us immediately as a mentally ill murderer.  There is no big reveal at the end, nor is there revenge or paranormal, evil killin’ powers at work here.  This is unlike many slashers/splatters I watch because the killer is presented as very real.  Frank is just a guy who kills because he is sick.  He struggles with his guilt and self-disgust as much as his disgust with women.  This is why he stabs himself with one of his killin’ tools, and why, in his mind, it’s his victims come alive who do him in.

Okay, enough of that.  I took one psychology class one time and want to talk about other things, like some of the scenes I love from this.  I mentioned how torturously slow this film is, not only for the audience but for many of Frank’s victims.  The scene in which Tom Savini’s head explodes sticks with me not for the exploding head, but because of how long the woman in the car must wait for her inevitable death.  

The scene where Frank stalks a nurse through the subway is ten minutes long.  Ten minutes!  You must watch her try and outsmart her murderer for ten minutes, hiding and sweating and crying.  And then when she allows herself relief, you know that when she looks up he’ll be in the mirror and she will not only get stabbed but have to watch herself get stabbed.  And of course she’s in white, of course.  I just.  That scene.  Ugh.  

Maniac is simple and well done.  No one can rig up a scalping like Mr. Savini.  No one.  The late Joe Spinell does an excellent job with the acting, and I am now nervous about the remake with Frodo Baggins.  We’ll see, I have been wrong before.

     

Retro Reviews: The Burning (1981)

The Burning (1981)

Rather than write a full-out review, I decided to list my reactions to this film as they appeared.

Ah, camp.  Where kids go to be slaughtered.

Ugh.  What disgusting examples of youth from the 1980s.  

Wait, who sleeps next to a full gas can?  

If only that janitor had remembered to stop, drop, and roll, this whole movie could have been over by now..

What kind of a hospital is this?

Ew.  Everyone in this movie is gross.

Hey, what did that hooker ever do to you?

Wait.  George Costanza!?  Yes, it’s him.

Hey, Holly Hunter.  Cool

Those are some fancy killin’ tools, yo.

I really hope he doesn’t kill the person named “Tiger.”

Hey, they built a raft.  How resourceful.  Nothing will go wrong no--yikes, ouch.

Holy crap.  You don’t see that everyday.

This killer is certainly efficient.  If I were that skilled with gardening shears, my landscaping would look amazing.

Um, did you just wander onto the set for My Bloody Valentine?

Fire bad; axe...also bad.

Huh.  No final girl, per se, just a final sniveling pervert.  Interesting.

Whew, both Tiger and George Costanza are safe.

So, to sum it up, The Burning is...just alright.  It could be required viewing for the special effects done by my secret husband, gore maestro Tom Savini.  The editing is interesting, and some shots are indeed scary, if only for the cheap, jumping-out-at-you scares.  Also, props to screenwriters Peter Lawrence and Bob Weinstein for naming their killer after the decades-old campfire take Cropsy.  

Adventures in Literature: The Catcher In The Rye, Chapters 17 & 18

Chapter 17

Biltmore is a fancy hotel, and its lobby is full of people waiting for dates. Holden sits around for a while and thinks about the people. This book is more about his internal monologue than it is about the plot. All seventeen chapters have barely covered a weekend in the life of Mr. Caulfield, but we know what he's thinking. Sally Hayes appears for their date and she looks stunning. Holden takes notice and he's upset with himself for thinking she looks lovely, but he thinks it nonetheless. On the cab ride to the theater, he tells her he loves her. OUCH. Holden is turning into one of those phonies he hates so much. Sally reciprocates the sentiment, which is even more awkward. The play isn't that great, although Sally loves it. Guess what? The audience is full of phonies! And one of those phonies is an old friend of Sally's. They talk to said phony for "about ten hours" which is proof that Holden is an incredibly accurate individual who is not prone to hyperbole. (I say that like I'm against hyperbole. Hyperbole is the greatest, obviously.)

On the way home, Sally suggests they go ice skating and Holden agrees. They are both terrible at skating, so they go inside and have Cokes. Is this product placement? It's working. I'm craving a Coke Zero at this point. They have a conversation that lasts for several pages, and it mostly consists of Holden asking Sally is she ever gets fed up, Sally not understanding his increasingly emo discussion prompts, and Holden ultimately snapping and screaming at her. As you might expect, Sally leaves.

Chapter 18

Holden is hungry after that rage outburst, so he pops into a drugstore and grabs some food. It's the Wawa of the 50's. He gets a cheese sandwich. This must be what they ate in the dark times before Wawa had cheese-stuffed pretzels. Maybe I should start a food blog series instead of a book blog series. Holden has Jane Gallagher on the brain again and this time, he calls her house. Jane's mom answers so he hangs up without saying a word, and calls an old pal from Whooton instead - Carl Luce, an intellectual type. Carl agrees to meet Holden for a drink at 10. To fill up his time before then, Holden watches the Rockettes Christmas spectacular. Unsurprisingly, he is unimpressed by it. A movie plays after the Rockettes performance and Holden isn't fond of it either. He starts to get really quotable. "Don't see it if you don't want to puke all over yourself," he says. A woman in the theater gets overly emotional but ignores the child she has in tow. "You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding" Whoa there, Holden. Tell us how you really feel.


-S

Culture Consumer's Code of Conduct

It's no secret that obsession surrounds this blog and its fantastically amazing contributors; it's right there in the title. So, I'm sure I'm not the only one who fights the urge to rip the face off of humans who feel the need to point out why they hate the objects of said obsession Here's the thing, I do not, by any means, expect the entire world to love the things that I love so very much. It would be boring and blah, blah, blah diversity. But there's a certain...insensitivity to having someone list the reasons they don't like the thing they know you love. This is getting convoluted; allow me to demonstrate.

John: Hey! You know that book you love?!

Max: Oh course! I do love that book!

John: Yeah! I read it! I had a problem with the nature of the characters, some of the plot, and the ending. What the hell was that?!

Max: Oh...I actually really loved all of those things.

John: Yeah, I mean they were okay, but I guess it didn't really move me. I did like it all, but I was definitely disappointed.

Max: I was really moved by it but, it doesn't have to move everybody.

John: The thing with the characters is...why do they always have...

And so on.

Now, John goes into this conversation knowing that Max loves the book he is about to critique.  That's crucial. It is very likely that Max would be down with discussing the faults of a book that he's read, but a book that he loves? I know this is something that I need to work through, but when someone wants to tell me all of the reasons they don't like the thing that I love, I want to rip their face off. Yeah, we are all entitled to our opionions, I get it. I like that about society! But I also take it personally. I love stories. I love books, television, and film because they are stories that make my brain buzz with everything from devestating pain to contentment and every possible combination of those feelings and all of the feelings in between. Basically, all of the emotions. I don't get all Julia Sugerbaker about everything I read or see, but when I do find one that completely surrounds me, I really, really love it. I have to find out everything about it.  That's part of why I am a contributing author here. So, that is why I want to rip John's face off.  I mean do I walk up to him and say, "Hey! You know that kid you love so much? Well, she is really irritating. I mean her verbal skills are so subpar. What's up with that?" No, to answer my own question, I do not do that. It would be rude. And that is really the entire point of all of the words before this. It's rude! I don't think everyone needs to walk around being polite and all...creepy all the time, but I'm down with tact and mutual respect. Until that happens, I will just wait and wait until John starts to tell me about something he loves, and then I will gleefully tell him that I hate it.

Adventures in Literature: The Catcher in the Rye, Chapters 15 & 16

Chapter 15

Holden calls up Sally Hayes, an old flame. There's a lot of calling in this book. If it was set in present day, I bet Holden would be all over texting. It's up his social alley. But then again, if it was set in present day his parents would already know he was kicked out of school and we'd never believe that he was wandering around unnoticed this long, and it would ultimately ruin the story. Hooray for the 1950s: making it easier for kids to have secret adventures. Holden invites Sally to a show and she accepts his offer. He has a lot of time to kill before the show starts, so he checks his bags at Grand Central Station and gets some breakfast.

While he eats, he eavesdrops on a pair of nuns. He gives them $10 even though they try to tell him they aren't fundraising for anything. They all chat for a bit about English - a subject that one of them teaches and that Holden clearly has quite an interest in even though he can't seem to care about his education. The nuns have to leave, and they leave Holden wishing he had donated more money to them. This seems really noteworthy, considering that Holden is pretty financially self-centered. Never before has he spent money on anyone else without being cranky about it.

Internal monologue quote of the chapter: "I always sort of think whoever I'm necking is a pretty intelligent person. It hasn't got a goddam thing to do with it, but I keep thinking it anyway." That is what I assume all teenage boys are thinking. It explains a lot.

Chapter 16

Still left with time to kill before meeting Sally Hayes, Holden goes for a walk. He decides to head to Broadway to see if there's a record store open on Sundays. He wants an album called "Little Shirley Beans" to give to Phoebe. He heard it at school, and it's hard to find, but he really thinks Phoebe would love it. Phoebe has not actually appeared in the novel yet, but Holden treats her much better than he treats anyone else. I suppose if you lose a sibling, you get really clingy to the others, and D.B. is hard to connect with out in California. 

Holden notices a family coming out of a church, and the child is singing a song that he recognizes. It goes, "If a body catch a body comin' through the rye." Wait! That's almost the name of the book! I smell symbolism but I can't sort it all out just yet. The kid is weaving through traffic as he sings and his parents are ignoring him, but for some reason this image soothes Holden. 

Broadway, unsurprisingly, is full of people going to the movies. To Holden, of course, Broadway is just full of phonies. Luckily, he finds an open record store and snags a copy of "Little Shirley Beans" for Phoebe. It sets him back $5 since it's rare. Inflation makes this hilarious to a 2012 reader. He also picks up theater tickets for his date with Sally. Record in tow, he goes to a park that Phoebe frequents, but she isn't there. He is told by a friend of Phoebe's that she might be at the Museum of Natural History, and Holden knows she won't be, but he heads in that direction anyway. On his walk, he puts his hunting hat on again. What does this hat represent?! Agh. He ultimately decides to head to the Biltmore Hotel and wait for Sally to arrive for their date. The way this book makes it sound, New York City is about 90% hotel.

-S

Adventures in Literature: The Catcher in the Rye, Chapters 13 & 14

Chapter 13

Holden walks 41 blocks back to his hotel. Sometimes I can't tell if he's exaggerating or not, but either way I'm thinking he walked a lot. It's freezing and his hands are cold, because someone at Pencey swiped his gloves. Holden imagines what he would say to the person that took them. He even considers punching the person in the jaw. Alas, he's not at Pencey anymore so he will never get the chance.

Back at the hotel, a man named Maurice asks Holden if he's interested in a hooker - he's charging a mere $5 for her services. Holden goes for it, with a touch of self-loathing. Before the prostitute arrives at his hotel room door, Holden tidies himself up significantly - he decides this will be his big chance to practice in case he ever gets married.

The prostitute arrives, and Holden introduces himself as "Jim Steele." After this clever move, he loses his cool and tries to chat the lady up instead of doing what she was hired to do. The prostitute, who is referred to as "Old Sunny," is unhappy about this. (Since I associate the name Sunny with the youngest Baudelaire child in A Series of Unfortunate Events, this really creeps me out.) Holden continues to run his mouth and lies that he just had a big operation and is unfit for physical activity. He gives her $5 and sends her off, although she tries to argue that he owes her $10.

Chapter 14 

Holden is miserable. When he gets depressed, he talks out loud to his dead brother Allie. Because that's not psychotic or anything. "I'm kind of an atheist," he muses. We learn a lot about his religious views. He likes Jesus but the Disciples "annoy the hell out of him." I want to sit down with this kid and talk about the Bible. Is that weird?

Remember Maurice and Old Sunny? I hope so, they were heavily featured in the last chapter and the very post you're reading. They appear once more in Chapter 14 and things get a little K-razzy up in here. Maurice comes back for the $5 difference between what Holden thought he owed Old Sunny and wheat Sunny said he owed. Maurice claims he told Holden that Sunny cost $10 in the first place. Wow. Who would have imagined that a pimp would be a complete slimeball? Some panic ensues. Sunny grabs Holden's wallet and takes the $5 out herself, and Maurice beats him. Sheesh. Maybe you should have just stayed at school, kid.

-S